Quickly
You know what really gets on my nerves? When people take on a stupid persona on the web and persist in sticking to it.
Like if they name themselves after a rat, use a rat avatar, call themselves a rodent whenever they can, and talk about liking cheese all the damn time. “Oh, that makes this little rat cry!” “This sucks, I need some cheese!” “Us rodents don’t have these problems!”
YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING RAT. TALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, YOU TWAT.
People do this because they’re so scared that they’re uninteresting that they come up with another self and hope it makes them memorable. IT DOESN’T WORK. It just makes you really fuckdamn annoying.
It’s even worse when they take on the persona of some character from a stupid book or cartoon or movie. Now, I’m not saying it’s stupid to use a character name for your web handle and have a matching avatar and signature. That’s fine. When you actually pretend to be that person, however, you turn into a douchebag.
Nick and Norah
This is the third time I’ve mentioned Nick and Norah.
But anyway, after I saw the movie, I bought the book. I got the version WITHOUT the Michael Cera/Kat Dennings cover so I can lie to people and tell them that I had the book before I saw the movie.
Holy crap, the book was COMPLETELY different than the movie. Now, I loved the movie. I also loved the book. But there is tons of stuff in the book that didn’t happen in the movie, and tons of stuff in the movie that didn’t happen in the book. Honestly, I think this is a first in movie adaptations: The movie is as good as the book but barely relates to it. I mean, the plot is the same, but there are giant plot points in the book that were completely changed for the movie, and replaced with OTHER giant plot points.
I think it’s because the book relies on a two-person first-person narrative. You can’t really do that with a movie because you can’t see what the characters are thinking. Also, the movie would have been about four hours long if it had stuck to the book.
Whatever. It’s like there are two Nick and Norahs to enjoy, so everything works out in the end. It’s a damn good thing the movie was so good, though, because if it sucked after making so many changes to the book, I would have been pissed.
Now, here is a completely unrelated but humorous image.
Gobama!
I walked in the door from class about four minutes ago, and Countdown was on the TV. Keith was talking about swing states. Apparently, the recent economic downturn has nearly killed McCain’s chances at election. Four previously undecided states are now for Obama in the electoral polls, giving Obama a lead of about 90 electoral votes.
I literally started dancing. Eat it, GOP!
By myself
Tonight, I went to see a movie by myself. I’ve never done that before. I felt so depressed by the time the credits rolled. And it certainly wasn’t the movie. I saw Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. It was really good, so I know it wasn’t seeing a bad movie that made me feel crappy.
Maybe it was the romanticism in the movie, though. I mean, if I had gone to see Eagle Eye (which I don’t plan on, but thought about, because I like The Boof), it probably wouldn’t have been as bad. But Nick and Norah is obviously the kind of movie you’re supposed to go see with a girl.
It just wouldn’t have been so bad if I had someone, anyone to go with. None of my friends live around me. No offense to them, but sometimes it seems like I only really have one friend, and he’s been sick for a week.
One of these days, I’ll get another girlfriend, and I’ll feel better about myself.
Heroes
Ok, so at some point, I tried to watch Heroes, because everyone and their brother thinks it’s the best fuckin’ show ever, after Lost. It bored the hell out of me. I mean it literally put me to sleep.
I tried it again today, only THIS time, I watched it with RiffTrax commentary, and THIS time, I was actually entertained.
Conclusions: RiffTrax can make anything entertaining, Heroes is still stupid, and Hayden Panatierre is probably going to fuck up the movie adaptation of my favorite book of all time, I Love You, Beth Cooper.
Kristen Bell, why oh why did you have to join THIS cast? Couldn’t you have moved to a show actually worth watching? WHY, VERONICA?! WHYYYYYY?!
…
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Kat Dennings
So, I’m pretty excited for Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist.
Also, I just watched 40 Year Old Virgin again, and it made me realize that Kat Dennings has gigantic breasts. Like, I don’t want to sound perverted or anything, but Jesus Christ, they’re bigger than her head. How does she move around? She probably already has back pain. They didn’t look nearly that big in the preview for Nick and Norah. Maybe she had breast reduction.
I added that picture after I typed the last paragraph, and turns out they’re still that big.
What the hell am I talking about? It’s 3:30 in the damn morning. That explains why I’m thinking about Kat Dennings’ breasts. I mean, I could be thinking about Kat Dennings’ breasts at any time of day, but only at 3:30 in the morning would I be thinking about how immense they are in a COMPLETELY NON-SEXUAL WAY. I guess it’s ok, though, because it’s keeping me entertained, and therefore staving off the soul-crushing blackness that is my life :p
But seriously, my eyes hurt.
#4: Cop Cars
I don’t hate the police. I hate police cars. Today, I had to drive to Frostburg for my stepsister’s college graduation. I was running on two hours of sleep. I had an empty stomach (save for a Slurpee and two No-Doz), and I felt so sick. I had the Hiccups of Death (the Hiccups of Death will be thing #5), my stomach was upside-down, and my head hurt. I was 20 minutes outside of Frostburg, and I just wanted to get there so I could run to the bathroom and make myself throw up (this will be explained when I complain about the Hiccups of Death). I was in the left lane behind some guy in a puke-green Taurus wagon with a Baby on Board sign in the rear window. Now, I tend to drive pretty fast. Especially on the highway. Especially when I’ve gone all morning without seeing a single cop car. I decided to pass said Taurus, because I don’t like being around slow people. I dropped into fourth and floored it. When I’m driving on the highway, I treat every other car like a semi, i.e. I try to stay away from them in case they do something unexpected. So, I tried to get around Mr. Taurus Dad as fast as possible. I just think it’s safer that way. I got back in the left lane, and everyone around me is hitting the brakes hard, and there’s a state trooper pulling up out of his For Authorized and Emergency Use Only to come ruin my day. He said he clocked me at 99. My speedometer didn’t go above 90, but you can’t argue with radar. Ok. Sure. I was going really fast, but I just had the bad luck to try and pass someone in a speed trap. $290, 5 points on my license. For a first offense. Bullshit.
Of course, there’s the standard complaint about all this: What about all those other people going the same speed as me that slammed on the brakes before they got to the hidey hole? Isn’t that more dangerous than gradually slowing down, like I did after I got back in the left? Who gives a shit about them, I’m the one who got pulled over. They’re free to go off and do the same thing again next time they see cops.
Speed limits on the highway piss me off. What’s going to happen, am I going to automatically lose control of my car and swerve into a busful of babies and puppies the second I hit 66? I know that more speed means less time to react to changes on the road, but that’s why I pass people so fast: If there aren’t any cars around me to change the conditions on the road, then there isn’t much to worry about, is there? I don’t weave in and out of traffic, I always use my signals, I don’t cut people off (on purpose, everyone makes mistakes sometimes, and for me, it’s usually not on the highway), and I try not to do anything else that might endanger other people. My reasoning is this: I love my car, why would I do something that might wreck it? Ugh.
By the time I got to Frostburg, my chest felt like it was going to explode, and I still had to sit through the ceremony. I barely managed to drive home. I’m going to contest this, but if I get some asshole judge who decides to make an example of me, I’m fucked for the next few years, all because I didn’t want to be anywhere near a slow-moving wagon on the highway and decided to get away from it as fast as possible.
#3: Fox
I’m not going to talk about Fox News. Everyone knows how useless THEY are. No, I’m concentrating on OG Fox.
Why?
I’ll tell you why.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, that’s why.
It was the best show on TV. It was the only show actually worth watching when it was actually broadcast and not on DVD. It had the best cast of characters (and cast) I’ve ever seen. It had some of the funniest one-liners ever. It won awards every fourteen seconds.
And yet, Fox decided to cancel it, citing poor ratings.
Why do you think it got such poor ratings, Fox? Maybe it’s because you DIDN’T FUCKING ADVERTISE IT AND KEPT CHANGING ITS AIRTIME. You Veronica Mars’d it to death, Fox. And for that, I hate you with the fire of a million suns.
You know what? I’ll let David Cross tell it.
You tell ’em, David.
That, and you brought back Family Guy. I hate you with the fire of a few thousand more suns for that.
I’m not all about the negativity here. Yes, there are some things that cheer me the HELL up. So enjoy this hilarious Michael Cera video.
#2: Aerosmith
First of all, I refuse to put up a picture of anything Aerosmith-related.
Second of all, Aerosmith has been called America’s favorite band. Well, America, you can just go to Hell.
Aerosmith is a blight on humanity. They are a plague upon all that is good and holy. Steven Tyler is the Antichrist. Seriously. His middle name is Damien (though he’d never tell anyone that).
“If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing.” Fuck you.
“We need to go back to the way it was 30 years ago, when everybody had Grandma and Grandpa, and we were willing to pass moral judgments about right and wrong.” Ok, here’s a moral judgement for you, Steven. You’re a dick, you’ve been a dick for 35 years, and you’ll be a dick until you’re dead. Now shut the hell up and stop singing because you’re making me want to pass a moral judgement on your ugly face with your freakishly huge mouth with a hammer.
“For me, it’s always been about the three M’s: Music, Money, and MMMM, pussy.” …I’m not even going to comment on that one. I’ll just leave it at I FUCKING HATE YOU STEVEN TYLER.
Words can’t express how much I hate Aerosmith. That’s unfortunate, since this is a blog.
Things that piss me the HELL off 