#4: Cop Cars
I don’t hate the police. I hate police cars. Today, I had to drive to Frostburg for my stepsister’s college graduation. I was running on two hours of sleep. I had an empty stomach (save for a Slurpee and two No-Doz), and I felt so sick. I had the Hiccups of Death (the Hiccups of Death will be thing #5), my stomach was upside-down, and my head hurt. I was 20 minutes outside of Frostburg, and I just wanted to get there so I could run to the bathroom and make myself throw up (this will be explained when I complain about the Hiccups of Death). I was in the left lane behind some guy in a puke-green Taurus wagon with a Baby on Board sign in the rear window. Now, I tend to drive pretty fast. Especially on the highway. Especially when I’ve gone all morning without seeing a single cop car. I decided to pass said Taurus, because I don’t like being around slow people. I dropped into fourth and floored it. When I’m driving on the highway, I treat every other car like a semi, i.e. I try to stay away from them in case they do something unexpected. So, I tried to get around Mr. Taurus Dad as fast as possible. I just think it’s safer that way. I got back in the left lane, and everyone around me is hitting the brakes hard, and there’s a state trooper pulling up out of his For Authorized and Emergency Use Only to come ruin my day. He said he clocked me at 99. My speedometer didn’t go above 90, but you can’t argue with radar. Ok. Sure. I was going really fast, but I just had the bad luck to try and pass someone in a speed trap. $290, 5 points on my license. For a first offense. Bullshit.
Of course, there’s the standard complaint about all this: What about all those other people going the same speed as me that slammed on the brakes before they got to the hidey hole? Isn’t that more dangerous than gradually slowing down, like I did after I got back in the left? Who gives a shit about them, I’m the one who got pulled over. They’re free to go off and do the same thing again next time they see cops.
Speed limits on the highway piss me off. What’s going to happen, am I going to automatically lose control of my car and swerve into a busful of babies and puppies the second I hit 66? I know that more speed means less time to react to changes on the road, but that’s why I pass people so fast: If there aren’t any cars around me to change the conditions on the road, then there isn’t much to worry about, is there? I don’t weave in and out of traffic, I always use my signals, I don’t cut people off (on purpose, everyone makes mistakes sometimes, and for me, it’s usually not on the highway), and I try not to do anything else that might endanger other people. My reasoning is this: I love my car, why would I do something that might wreck it? Ugh.
By the time I got to Frostburg, my chest felt like it was going to explode, and I still had to sit through the ceremony. I barely managed to drive home. I’m going to contest this, but if I get some asshole judge who decides to make an example of me, I’m fucked for the next few years, all because I didn’t want to be anywhere near a slow-moving wagon on the highway and decided to get away from it as fast as possible.
#3: Fox
I’m not going to talk about Fox News. Everyone knows how useless THEY are. No, I’m concentrating on OG Fox.
Why?
I’ll tell you why.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, that’s why.
It was the best show on TV. It was the only show actually worth watching when it was actually broadcast and not on DVD. It had the best cast of characters (and cast) I’ve ever seen. It had some of the funniest one-liners ever. It won awards every fourteen seconds.
And yet, Fox decided to cancel it, citing poor ratings.
Why do you think it got such poor ratings, Fox? Maybe it’s because you DIDN’T FUCKING ADVERTISE IT AND KEPT CHANGING ITS AIRTIME. You Veronica Mars’d it to death, Fox. And for that, I hate you with the fire of a million suns.
You know what? I’ll let David Cross tell it.
You tell ‘em, David.
That, and you brought back Family Guy. I hate you with the fire of a few thousand more suns for that.
I’m not all about the negativity here. Yes, there are some things that cheer me the HELL up. So enjoy this hilarious Michael Cera video.
#2: Aerosmith
First of all, I refuse to put up a picture of anything Aerosmith-related.
Second of all, Aerosmith has been called America’s favorite band. Well, America, you can just go to Hell.
Aerosmith is a blight on humanity. They are a plague upon all that is good and holy. Steven Tyler is the Antichrist. Seriously. His middle name is Damien (though he’d never tell anyone that).
“If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing.” Fuck you.
“We need to go back to the way it was 30 years ago, when everybody had Grandma and Grandpa, and we were willing to pass moral judgments about right and wrong.” Ok, here’s a moral judgement for you, Steven. You’re a dick, you’ve been a dick for 35 years, and you’ll be a dick until you’re dead. Now shut the hell up and stop singing because you’re making me want to pass a moral judgement on your ugly face with your freakishly huge mouth with a hammer.
“For me, it’s always been about the three M’s: Music, Money, and MMMM, pussy.” …I’m not even going to comment on that one. I’ll just leave it at I FUCKING HATE YOU STEVEN TYLER.
Words can’t express how much I hate Aerosmith. That’s unfortunate, since this is a blog.
#1: Convertibles
I decided to start with something weather-related, since the weather has been so great lately.
The title is deceiving. Convertibles don’t actually make me angry. I like convertibles. What makes me very very angry, however, is when people drive convertibles around in great weather with the damn top up. Jesus Slamdancing Christ. You paid extra money for a roof that disappears, and you’re not even going to use it?! What, did you buy the ‘vert just so your neighbors think you have more money than them? How dickish are you?! That’s like buying a $7,000 gaming laptop to play Minesweeper! Why?! Why spend the extra money?! Why not let someone who will actually use that car for what it was meant to be used for have it? No, you can’t do that, because you need that soft top.
Again
I tried LiveJournal a long time ago and I didn’t like it. Since I have nothing better to do with my time and no outlet for my anger, I thought I’d give blogging (if you can even call LiveJournal a blog) another shot.
As the title of this blog suggests, I’ll mostly be using this as a space to complain about things that I hate.
